I liked the lines.

This an actual something at an actual place.

Update on MOM

Well,
I thought maybe a little update on my mams (mom, mommy, mammy, ma etc) would be good. Today, they pulled her intubation tube.

I know she was thrilled with that, because last night, she scrunched all the way down to where her hands were tied down, and pulled out about 4 inches of it. She did NOT like that tube. I don’t expect she should have, I just know last week when she had the balloon pump and the temp pacemaker she begged for it.

When they put it in, you get to go sleepy go night night, so she was good with all that. To take it out, they stop your sedation and do some things that help you breathe on your own. Of course, breathing on your own may seem overrated when you have a tube in your throat gagging you, years of smoking that gives you that nice sputum filled cough, you throw in a little COPD, and 8 or 9 blockages, and I figure being out of it and having a machine breathe for you must seem like bliss.

I sure as heck don’t want to find out.

My little bro and sis seem to be doing okay. My Aunt Jane is there with them now. I go back this weekend. I am not really sure how much they really get of the whole thing. I do know that seeing mom all trussed up like a Christmas ham was a bit more than they cared to see. She did tend to beep a lot. Well, everything she was hooked to beeped a lot. When her sedation was wearing off, you could tell mom was getting antsy and a bit stricken.

I know I would have. You’re asleep and thinking you are in good shape and then you start to wake up and you’re tied down and again with the gagging and coughing. A good reason for panic if you ask me.

I sure don’t want to jinx anything or start assuming I know what is going to happen so I will just say thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. They really work. I know God will do what God is gonna do, but having so much good juju being sent our way, has helped me at least, maintain a level of calm I previously would have said could not exist!

Mom's new house!

Can you tell now?

I am a bird....I am a .....

No parking fire lane!

Where mom is staying...

Is this up down or sideways? What is it?

I so need another kitty kitty!!

That's all? Should be higher!

Well, sometimes that whole stomach punch is followed by a round house kick. Sometimes you see it coming and sometimes you don’t. I for one am slow and bumbling, so things often hit me with out warning. In this case, it is my mom having a heart attack and being rushed to the hospital last night, with me 6 hours away. Nothing like the feeling of being kicked upside your head and then walking around stunned for the next few moments. When you come to, there is an awful lot of tears and in particular cases, the ability to hyperventilate on command.

At the height of this unrestrained panic, I was lucky enough to have my Aunt, Cuz and soon to be ex husband to really talk to me and calm me enough to breath.

When some measure of calm came back, I was able to talk to the kids without freaking them out ( I hope) and instead, I turned into the “big sister” telling them all would be fine, mom is strong, they need to stick together, I am here, they can call me whenever etc. etc. My aunt talked to the hospital and she then called me. I then called the kids and then called Aunt Jane back, the kids called me again, and right at the moment I thought my eyes would finally close, the hospital called me.

For now, mom is in ICU. She is stable, she has a stint, she has a temporary pacemaker and some sort of balloon thing that does something I don’t get. She has not seen the surgeon and I have not spoken to my mom yet so I don’t have much more to tell. If you read this, can you please throw a little prayer her way? If you are not a prayer, maybe some good juju? No good juju? How about a kind thought or two. That would be super appreciated.

AAAwwwwwww!!

incubating carcinogens

Stickers I found on a computer bag.

Please stand by.......

I accidently deleted the pics for the last few days!! Dagnabit!! New pics will begin as soon as this regularly scheduled hiatus is complete.

This morning, before I went to work, I checked the mail. There are always bills and usually a few pieces of junk mail, but today there was a postcard with a court date on it. Hmmm? Court, on July 8th? What did I do? I haven’t been in jail. It isn’t for Jury Duty….Ah it says April Strickland vs. Cliff Strickland. I have to go to court for our divorce. Have you ever been punched in the stomach? I feel certain I know what it actually feels like. Sort of a cross between nausea and shortness of breath, both seeming to coalesce instantly, causing an extreme unfettered reaction.

Dunno…never actually been punched in the stomach. I am just assuming the response I had to be similar. I am not so sure why it happened that way. I have had well over a year to come to terms with the fact, that not only did I ask for a divorce, my husband conceded. Oh yes, we had our issues, and for some reason, at the time, I thought it paramount that we part ways.

Well who am I kidding; I knew/know the reasons. I just happen to think many of them seem asinine now. Most of you would differ. Even Cliff insists I am only remembering the good parts. Be that as it may, this still bites. I miss him. I miss what I thought we could be, I miss what I wanted us to be. Being mired in the past is most assuredly unhealthy but dang if I have been able to shake it completely. Maybe when it is final, I will feel what is said to be closure.

I need to get a puppy.

There are pics on the website!

http://www.habitatwashco.org/construction
This is from the Habitat for Humantity in Washington County for my moms new house! Yeah!!


Ground Breaking for House #43
A ground breaking ceremony was held on May 19th for our 43rd house at 317 Harris Street in Springdale. Future homeowner, Patti Phillips, was joined by her children Patrick and Rose along with Wendi Jones, Executive Director, Tommy Lewis, Board President, and Brent Farmer, Board member.

Local State Farm Insurance agents were also on hand to present a a $10,000 grant check as part of their "Good Neighbor" program.

State Farm spokesman for Arkansas, Gary Stephenson, said, "Community development is one of the core categories for State Farm's charitable donations. Building stronger neighborhoods and stronger communities is good for everyone - individuals and the business environment. We are pleased to partner with the Washington County Habitat for Humanity on this effort, and appreciate the positive impact they continue to have in northwest Arkansas."


Patti, Rose, and Patrick Phillips along with Wendi Jones, Executive Director, Tommy Lewis, Board President, and Brent Farmer, Board Member, break ground on May 19, 2010
The Phillips family, along with Habitat representatives, graciously accept a $10,000 check from State Farm Insurance representatives.

One of Shannon's tats.

Sausage Toes

It has been said I have sausage toes. I shall neither confirm nor deny, but Sarah said I wouldn't get a color and TADA! I did! They look like fish scales!!

My house is a mess.

I mean really a mess. It sorta kinda stays messy these days. When I was married, I was a freak about where stuff went and how the house needed to be clean and on and on. Now, eh…not so much. It is just me and the cats. I DO clean…when I feel like it. I mean come on…does it really matter that the cat drug my bra in the living room again? Does it matter that my bed is NEVER made and has a fur ball on the left side where the cats sleep the size and consistency of another cat?
I used to always make the bed, or at least almost always or Cliff did. I had to pick up my clothes because Cliff had friends over. It was rather embarrassing that my underpants (the size of a small country) were laying right there in the floor, clearly and strategically placed on a direct path to his office. Freckle I KNOW it was YOU!!

But now, I am by myself. Nobody comes over. My cats don’t care. Do I care? Hmmmmmmm. Well, I have varying schools of thought on that. I should care… part of something in my brain thinks it should care.

Let me state, messy for me isn’t messy for most folks. I am no hoarder. I would regale you with a list of things that proves I am no grossy mcgross gross, but I may offend a few folks who I personally know, whose idea of hygiene and level of cleanliness differs greatly from mine.

Not saying anything is wrong with them or their living arrangements.

So I need to mop the kitchen floor and really need to take out the garbage (no smell or flies of late). I would have to say, the bane of my cleaning existence, comes in the form of laundry. I, personally, feel that if you have enough underwear to postpone a trip to the Laundromat, then you are sitting on a veritable gold mine. That’s just me, I am just sayin…….

Taking care of her babies.

Think Green

Just a note: some of the bracelets Cypress is wearing are older than she is.

National Cemetery

A drill press??? Dunno....

I am not sure if any of you have noticed this about me, by I am rather annoying. I KNOW…me right? I go through one little divorce and I suddenly become some kind of sickly, depressive, sedentary hermit….who…who WHINES. I KNOW. What is up with that? Then…then, to top it off, I am getting on MY OWN nerves. How is that possible? ME of all people. I like me or used to. I mean it is me right? I don’t have any problems, YOU DO. YOU come to ME when you are sad or need help or have a break up, or a mean husband. YOU are the ones who are constantly talking about yourself and not asking ME how I am doing. YOU do that. NOT ME. I am funny. I run errands and do stuff to help other folks. I volunteer for goodness sake. NOT YOU…ME. Right? I mean, I can’t possibly be the one with a problem. I don’t stay at home and avoid everyone. I don’t make plans and then cancel them. Right? I don’t make myself sick with stress. That is what you….I mean they…I mean I……do.

But then I ask myself does that make sense? My friend Rach B. gave me an answer:


“It makes perfect sense.

…and you haven’t become anything different. You’re still April – with the same thoughts, feelings, intuition, emotions, silliness, giddiness, sadness, euphoria that you always were. You got into the habit of hiding a lot of that so you wouldn’t fight with Cliff. You got into the habit of doing a lot of things. That’s what happens when you live with someone.

Seriously – the more you dig inside yourself to find answers, the more you’re going to upset yourself. You really NEED to let some stuff go.

You need to be social.

You need to love yourself (even with your faults! …everyone is their own worst critic!)!

You need to remember that you’re the SAME PERSON YOU ALWAYS WERE.

You need to remember you have LOTS of people who love YOU. Not your wit; not your figure; not your surroundings – YOU.”

So I read Rach’s words and think of my other friends I have talked to and I think they’re right and I am right. We can all be right. I am annoying, but I am still me. I need to let some things go and while looking inside myself is a good start at growing into a better me, I can’t stay inside there the whole time and not let ME come out. I need to make new habits, and I need to LOVE ME.

Hey! These here blog entries can’t all be funny!

She is giving the evil eye.

Leaky roof...ya think?

What do you see? I see a face.

Broken.....

Why do people through trash and bottles out of their car?

Would you believe just moments before a big arsed tumbleweed rolled passed?

My night at the hospital......................

I saw a man at the end of the hall on a stretcher. He had a beard and was lined and grayed. I feel certain he was someone’s dad or grandpa. They had him sitting up, and while everyone moved around him, he fiddled. He was strapped onto the stretcher with a seat belt of sorts. The sides were pulled up, so I am not sure how he could have fallen off, but he was strapped in none the less. I watched him from my seat down the hall. I hoped he would look up so I could smile and hopefully make him feel safe. I don’t know why my smile would make him feel safe, I just hoped that he could see my concern and calm for him, through my face somehow.

He didn’t look. But he still fiddled. Back and forth his hands moved over the strap of his “seat belt” as he tried to pull it tight and then undo it. Over and over again. If you weren’t watching you would think his fiddling was the first and only time he had done it. But I did look, and it wasn’t. He did it the whole time, ignoring the young paramedics from the fire department that came in an out talking incessantly. He had a purpose I am just not sure what it was. I hope he is okay.

I met a lady in the waiting room. She was lively and fun and wonderful to talk to. She used to be a construction worker in Vegas. I know because she told me. We talked for hours I think…waiting. We are now friends on Face book. She told me about her church and invited me to visit. She gave a dollar to the young girl who shared our conversation and I think really just wanted to fit in.

I sat next to a man who looked like he had a hard day at work. He was dirty and had work boots on with a worn out t-shirt on. He asked could he sit next to me and I said sure. He coughed a lot. It came from deep in his chest. He said he was cold and apologized that he was coughing. I smiled again and told this man not to worry. I told him that neither of us felt good and he should just sit there and relax. He took his boots off and he apologized again. I could smell him. He had been working like I said. I kept smiling and told him just to feel better. He closed his eyes. He had pretty lashes.

The lady who took my blood told me she was going to stab me. She did. She was really funny and just doing her job, but she made me comfortable. Her husband won’t give her a divorce. She ate Mexican a few nights ago with friends from work. One guy had a nasty burrito and the Tequila shots didn’t make it any better.

I saw a DOA. He was being wheeled in as I sat there. They were still pumping his chest and the airbag even knowing the attempt was futile. Later I saw his family. They cried and inside I cried for them.

I waited. I saw the nurse, the doctor, the radiologist; I saw them all I think. Then I met her…..She was there for me I think, or I her. She was scared and crying. I couldn’t see her but I could hear her. The nurse told her they would take care of her but she was still scared. I was still waiting and I hurt for her. I went around the curtain and smiled again. I told her it would be okay and I held her hand. I tried to make her feel less afraid. I wanted her to know that God would take care of her. I wanted her to feel like she wasn’t alone and someone was there for her. I got discharged but I stayed. I held her hand and rubbed her arm and I talked to her. She prayed and I listened. We both said AMEN.

Then I came home.

Uhmmmmm Pimp My Ride?

Quick thought...

I have gone back and read some of my entries from over a year ago. It would seem, and I am just saying, it WOULD SEEM, like I have been the same Negative Nellie (Ruth please insert your "speak to Nell Mr. Chicopee" right here).

I think I see why they say to write down what you eat, how you feel etc. etc.,  to get a bead on your behaviors. I did say I read that writing was supposed to help heal. I think however, for this go around, I will choose NOT to dwell on past personality low points but instead focus on the future positive one.

What say you peeps?

I need some sleep.

So, last night, was the second night, I read an entire book before going to sleep. It was also the second night, I tossed and turned, hacked and coughed, scratched and itched and was generally just put out. More often then not, I get an itchy scratchy throat at night that does not allow for a very productive nights sleep. I would say it is Allergies but I test clean for those. My doc and my Aunt Jane (not one in the same), said that even if don't have allergies, things can be an irritant. I would never want to say my kitties are an irritant, but with them both sleeping on my head, it is a fair assumption that those two are the culprits.

Anyways.....so I am up at night, exhausted and all around miserable and then you add the ever increasing voices in my head. UGH they won't hush up. GOOD GRIEF...They aren't real voices folks, just my thoughts on overdrive, in stereo, simultaneously. They might as well be voices. I think about work, the book I read, the people I know, my health, my husband, my lack of husband, my family, my health, my work, my childhood, my high school days, my apartment, my cats and back again. I even thought about what to write on this blog.

I am tired. I have no answers, my throat still itches, I am coughing and my head hurts. I didn't write nary a single thing I imagined in my frenzied thoughts of last night.

BUT, I woke up this morning and I have another chance................

Where bulldozers go to die.

over a year say what?

I haven't written on this thing in well over a year? Gee whiz! What have I been doing? Oh a little anxiety here a lot of depression there, a weight gain, a divorce...ya know the usual. Writing is cathartic they say...I should have been doing this all along. The problem is, that a lot of what I want to write about, I can't. Why you say? Well, because frankly, some of the discord I feel is directly related to other people. If I write what that discord is, the person, place or thing involved, will probably be actively apparent to those of you who happen to stumble across this here blog. When I say stumble, I really mean to those of you I will email in order to get a fan base. Fan base? oh yeah I said it!! :)

Anyway, it is what it is. For those of you who are appalled at the thought that I could possibly insinuate someone else is at the bottom of my troubles.....UHHHH I am not. I am merely stating, that... while I indeed need to turn an introspective eye on myself....and have, that some folks do and frequently rate a nerve of their own. Again... I said it.

Pre or Post Apocalyptic?