Operation Big Butt has turned into Shutyerjigger.

Yeah yeah …you heard me! I am working on it...I AM!!!

Where we work, we are offered a gym membership up the street at the University for FREE. That is correct…No charge, zero mula, FREE FREE FREE!!!

You know how many times I have gone recently? That would be NADA!

You know how much beer I have had, with the tasty salty goodness of cheese, chips, more cheese and then maybe a Gyro and a truck load full of Dolma?

Let’s just say I eat so much Dolma the Korean lady at the Kwik Check by my house (A Korean and Mediterranean eatery/7-11) has asked me twice now, if I am Greek or Mediterranean.

Well, Dolma being made of grape leaves and such isn’t the worst thing.

I hear tell, that it is actually the beer.

No I am not kidding. You thought it was a myth too? I am here to tell you first hand my friends, THAT is not the case.

Apparently, now this is all hearsay, lack of exercise contributes to it all. I KID YOU NOT!!! 

WOMEN can get a beer gut! No lie! And it ain’t sexy. NOPE, UH HUH, NO WAY, NO HOW.

SOOOOOO what started out as Operation Big Butt (because let’s face it, I do have a good sized boohonkus) will now be upgraded to Operation Ginormo!

That means *shudder*** no beer, no chips, (oh I am keeping the cheese), and more of the whole waking up at night with my legs stove up, my back feeling like I carried around a herd of spider monkeys all day and the rest of my body being extremely put out with the whole “now she’s 38, getting old, and NOW she decides to get in shape) Uh huh…..” thing I am about to put it through.

I do not like fruits. I do not like vegetables or beans, or legumes, or too many kinds of fish, or stew, or goulash or soup, or grilled things, or organic things, or really anything that is truly deemed good for you. Well, I like orange juice.

Anyway my point is, that I am one unhealthy ticking time bomb. That is so not bringin’ the hotness!! I may bring the hot sauce, but that is exactly my point!!

I don't know where I got this or how long I have had it, but I kept it, because every time I watch it, it makes me smile. Kids make me happy and I find that being around them seems to really recharge my emotional battery.

I am 38 now and single and while there is still a chance that I may have a child, my window of opportunity is not quite as open as it used to be. I am not lamenting merely stating fact. While it is no secret this year has not gone as pleasantly as I would like, I don’t want to add anymore coulda, woulda, shoulda’s to the mix.

In any case, I hope this video comes through. Turn your volume on! I hope it makes you smile like it does me!

Merry Happy Holiday!

I tried to send you all something sexy for Christmas this year but the mailman told me to get the stamp off  my ass and get the hell out of the mailbox!

Sorry maybe next year!

Have a great holiday!

I so wish I could just say it...........

I feel like writing some stuff. I reckon I can, but I would have to delete a big honkin amount of it.

Some people have told me to just write. Write what I feel, write what I am thinking.

It is just so happens for me, that one, some of the things I want to say are really not for other people’s ears, eyes, knowledge….and two, I write a blog already so I don’t much wanna write something twice or in two different formats. One for me and one for you (all nine of you).

I am not dating, but if I were, I couldn’t write about it here so I don’t hurt my ex (in case he or an ex in-law read it). He may not care, and it shouldn’t matter , but it does (to me).  I don’t wanna know what he is doing I can guarantee you that! Of course, I am dateless, but if I wasn’t, well… I wouldn’t.

I can’t write about my family, because I don’t want to get a “beat down” by inadvertently saying something about a family member that wasn’t my business to say. OR…OR hurt their feelings OR say what bugs me about them and then be forever an outcast. I don’t really think any of that would happen, but frankly, I don’t want my business told to the world by them. I tell everyone myself anyway. AND I for SURE would not relish knowing what bugs them about me. So again, no info to be had here.

I can’t write about my friends because I think I have pretty good ones and the people I would write about aren’t really my “friends” anyway and anything I would say would be pointless, unheard, and irrelevant to anyone other than me.

I certainly can’t write about politics because I don’t have a clue about them.

I don’t plan on writing about religion because I am not in the mood and there is no telling what kinda crazed “I’m going to hell” kinda back lash I would get for having a different view. You scoff, but some folks are CUCKOO!!

So then what do I write? I have lamented over my weight, hurts inflicted purposely and unknowingly by others. My own internal struggles, my mom’s illness, and my dad’s death. I have written about sorrow, confusion, loss, grief, gumption, awareness, loneliness and hope.

"Hey April why don't you write about being happy?" Happiness? Happiness you say? UHMMM that is why I read fiction.

Truth be told I am happyish, I do smile and have been told I jest on occasion.

I want to tell “so and so” they hurt my feelings
or that “other person” that they kinda weird me out.

I want to say shuh uhh that is SOOOO not what happened.
Or tell my friend I really don’t want to do that this year.

I want to talk about what I think, why I think it, and why I am right (okay that maybe pushing it)!! J

I feel crammed to capacity with thoughts and feelings and unlearned lessons.

Today, I will leave things as is.

Okay so Operation Big Butt got underway yesterday.

Today I can barely walk. Goodgoobleygoo what was I thinking. You know me. I am super outta shape. What in the samhilltarnation made me decide I could walk 17 flights of stairs. Holybejeezus!!!

Well I am a shape, it just happens to be round!! But, what I mean, is that I tend NOT to be the one who is always ordering steamed vegetables…unless that is the name of a new beer.

Anyway, yesterday my office mate and I decided at 10 and 2 every day we are going to put on our tennis shoes, get up and take a walk up the stairs, around the building, down the hall….ya know the word I am looking for…..ehhh….uhhh…oh yeah….EXCERSIZE!! ugh!!

So we did. I pipe up and say “hey, let’s take the stairs!” SAY WHAT?

Last night when I got home I felt fine. I took a shower, settled in, watched the tube, then went to bed. Nothing wrong with that. Then BAM…BAM…BAMM BAAAMMMMM my legs stove up. Yeah you know what that means. It means my legs muscles constricted and my calves felt like  they had been replaced with blocks of cement.

Only 868 days to go! Woooohoooo!!!

Okay,  I hope it doesn’t take that long but I am gonna do whatever it takes. OH YES I AM !!!

It is the damndest thing...

Grief, and loss and sorrow touch people in different ways and for me when it has come to death in the past, and even with my dad now, I have felt  “outside” of it. He is in a better place. Gram and Gramps are in a better place. I can talk to them all anytime I want.

I know all this, but today, for some reason, my dad’s lack of physical presence in this world is making my heart truly feel leaden and has my throat constricting almost to the point of panic.

I know I said I am okay. I AM okay…but today…for some reason….the sorrow I feel is almost palpable. I mean I feel consumed by it. Almost enraged. I feel trapped. I feel like I am being held down and refused freedom, all because I can’t pick up the phone and hear my dad’s voice. It’s suffocating, almost debilitating and it's useless.

Dad would sooooo not want that, but damn if I can seem to help it. I mean really….holy crap…it is a physical pain.

A blow to my midsection,  a scraping of my heart in my chest. A breath hard earned. Dramatic much?

I swear I never expected this…..

I know it gets better, not whining or asking for condolences or even any acknowledgement. I am just trying to verbalize what my sadness feels like today so maybe I can get the hell over it....

Gosh I wish I could change things for a time.

Cliff and I are no longer married,

My dad just passed away,

And now Neo, the cat Cliff got me for our first Anniversary, has cancer.

Crazy as it sounds, we had three cats together and they were our babies. Both of us are animal people. He took Neo with him when he moved to Florida in June of 09. I miss him and I miss Neo.

Cliff just found out Neo has cancer and I hate…HATE the fact that Cliff is about to lose him.

Yeah, I just lost my dad and I am sure people wonder how I can care about a cat and my ex, but I do.

I have two cats left. Freckle and Raisin Squirrel. I offered for Cliff to have Raisin and his dad is coming next week to pick him up. It feels like abandoning a child in some way. In my head I know he is a cat. Again, crazy or not, it hurts.

Raisin isn’t Neo, but at least Cliff will be able to care for and love Raisin and maybe his hurt will be lessened to some degree. I hope so.

I reckon it is time I write some more. Not sure what about it. This may just be a rambling hodgepodge of nonsense. I sometimes do that.

Lately, I have been trying to “be okay.” Actually, I am not really trying. I AM OK. I think folks are waiting for me to crack and go back in to my previous depression. I am not really sure what they think. Anytime someone dies, it always feels like there is a lot of love and caring and a lot of awkwardness. What do you say? How should I act? Do I acknowledge it?

Dunno…I think it is different every time with every person. For me…today…I am OK. I miss my dad like crazy. He and I were super close, I talked to him damn near everyday and everything funny, irreverent, or downright silly  I do, I can promise you I learned from him.

He gave me my sense of direction.

He taught me how to change the breaks on a car or pull out a radiator on an old 70 something Triumph  (although looking back… I think I was really just free labor)!

He drove me up to Jackson TN and taught me the words to the Casey Jones Ballad so we could sing for our desert (he also held me up when my knees wanted to give way from being nervous). He said we are never gonna see these people again so why not do it and have fun?

He sang old songs to me…all the time. Not just when I was a kid.

He told me funny jokes and jokes he thought were funny.

He called me Princess since I was small. Before all the princess stuff started selling in all the stores.

He took me to see the Snork’s on Ice.

He listened to me cry.

He hugged me every time I saw him.

He fixed my pilot light when his thumb was hurt and needed me to help, but I was too chicken and hid around the corner in case it blew up!

He danced with me.

My dad chose me.

He did or said or taught me so many things there will never be a day that I will be without him. How cool is that?

I'll write more soon.

November 3, 2010 3pm RIP Daddy I love you!

I think I have decided I like being married. Oh,  I KNOW,  I am far from that now, but I like the whole “being married” thing in general.

I actually, want to take care of someone.

Cliff and I didn’t work out. I get it. I am not over it, but I get it.

So now, here I am by myself, realizing how much I don’t want to be a “by myself”. There is more to it than just being lonely. It isn’t just me saying “woe is me…I’m so lonely…I need a man.”

NO. I DON’T NEED a man. But I sure want one. You would think it is because I want someone to be sweet to me and take care of me and care about me, etc, etc and I am not saying I don’t. But that isn’t all. I look back on my relationship with Cliff and how things could have been different and frankly, I was so dead set on it being about me, or rather many times I made it about what I wanted, what I needed , what I was or wasn’t getting…I never really gave up the “me” part.

Yes,  if you hear me tell it I did EVERYTHING. I tried EVERYTHING. But here is the thing….I can’t help but think now, that had I given in some in the beginning, we might still be together. I said MIGHT not WOULD. We still had problems and my current thought process or line of reasoning is just me trying to learn a little more about myself.

I am NOT saying I need to give up anything and everything I am to please a man, or even that I have to give up any part of who I am in order to make it work. What I am saying, is that in a relationship, or in this case a marriage, I needed to give up the idea of me, me, me. I needed to become a WE. I don’t think I really ever quite did that. There was a piece of me that just would not let go.

Before anybody gets all twitter pated and starts saying “but you said…. and he did….but what about….” YES,  I know all that. I am not talking about him.  I am talking about me, and something I know, I didn’t do. It is one piece. One portion of an entire marriage. But I am thinking it is a big part or piece.

Cliff deserved better. I deserved better. I want to be better next time.

I am still trying to figure it out….

October 28,29,30,31

October 25,26,27