Grief, and loss and sorrow touch people in different ways and for me when it has come to death in the past, and even with my dad now, I have felt “outside” of it. He is in a better place. Gram and Gramps are in a better place. I can talk to them all anytime I want.
I know all this, but today, for some reason, my dad’s lack of physical presence in this world is making my heart truly feel leaden and has my throat constricting almost to the point of panic.
I know I said I am okay. I AM okay…but today…for some reason….the sorrow I feel is almost palpable. I mean I feel consumed by it. Almost enraged. I feel trapped. I feel like I am being held down and refused freedom, all because I can’t pick up the phone and hear my dad’s voice. It’s suffocating, almost debilitating and it's useless.
Dad would sooooo not want that, but damn if I can seem to help it. I mean really….holy crap…it is a physical pain.
A blow to my midsection, a scraping of my heart in my chest. A breath hard earned. Dramatic much?
I swear I never expected this…..
I know it gets better, not whining or asking for condolences or even any acknowledgement. I am just trying to verbalize what my sadness feels like today so maybe I can get the hell over it....
3 comments:
Once upon a time your Dad felt just as you do now. The strengths he called upon to go on, are the same strengths he has given you, April. You're your father's girl, with your father's strengths. He'll see you get by.
I hate to think my dad ever felt like this but I know you are so right! Thank you so much Mr. V.
S'ok, April. I told myself the same when my own father passed away. It helped.
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