I feel really odd, if not hollow. I wondered what closure would feel like and to be honest, I am not so sure it is has really sunk in? I want to scream and cry while curled up in a ball rocking myself back and forth. I want NOT to believe it is all over. I am divorced. The tears take only an instant to appear. The knot in my throat does nothing to ward them off. I want to be angry and fight it and fight him. It is like being in one of my nightmares where he would just look at me and laugh and go about his business as though I were nothing. I want to tell him this is wrong and he can’t leave and I am sorry. I want to beg him to stay. I’ll cook this time I promise. I’ll watch baseball. I like the #9 car.

I asked for this.

I have NO ill feelings for him. He is doing so well. I am proud of him and proud he is making changes for the better. But I hurt.

My stomach really hurts. My throat hurts from trying not to let out a sob that would scare the cats or the neighbors.

I want to break something.

I want to be cherished.

I want to forgive myself.