I think I have decided I like being married. Oh,  I KNOW,  I am far from that now, but I like the whole “being married” thing in general.

I actually, want to take care of someone.

Cliff and I didn’t work out. I get it. I am not over it, but I get it.

So now, here I am by myself, realizing how much I don’t want to be a “by myself”. There is more to it than just being lonely. It isn’t just me saying “woe is me…I’m so lonely…I need a man.”

NO. I DON’T NEED a man. But I sure want one. You would think it is because I want someone to be sweet to me and take care of me and care about me, etc, etc and I am not saying I don’t. But that isn’t all. I look back on my relationship with Cliff and how things could have been different and frankly, I was so dead set on it being about me, or rather many times I made it about what I wanted, what I needed , what I was or wasn’t getting…I never really gave up the “me” part.

Yes,  if you hear me tell it I did EVERYTHING. I tried EVERYTHING. But here is the thing….I can’t help but think now, that had I given in some in the beginning, we might still be together. I said MIGHT not WOULD. We still had problems and my current thought process or line of reasoning is just me trying to learn a little more about myself.

I am NOT saying I need to give up anything and everything I am to please a man, or even that I have to give up any part of who I am in order to make it work. What I am saying, is that in a relationship, or in this case a marriage, I needed to give up the idea of me, me, me. I needed to become a WE. I don’t think I really ever quite did that. There was a piece of me that just would not let go.

Before anybody gets all twitter pated and starts saying “but you said…. and he did….but what about….” YES,  I know all that. I am not talking about him.  I am talking about me, and something I know, I didn’t do. It is one piece. One portion of an entire marriage. But I am thinking it is a big part or piece.

Cliff deserved better. I deserved better. I want to be better next time.

I am still trying to figure it out….