Sunday.......................

So now my paps is having surgery. He has 2 fully blocked arteries and a 3rd pretty dang close to being completely plugged up. Soooooo, tomorrow he is having a double bypass. At least I think that is what he is having. Ya know, my mom just had a heart attack back in June, and while dad didn’t have a heart attack and this is a planned surgery, I still kinda feel like I have been punched in the stomach again.

Don’t get me wrong….I am still in a good mood, I am still doing much better with regard to my divorce and missing Cliff, but having a parent hurt or a parent who is about to have a very serious surgery, well… it does ratchet up my anxiety level. It makes it a bit hard to breathe at times, and it most definitely causes sleep deprivation.

And that doesn’t say a thing for what my dad thinks or my mom’s (I have two).

But there is nothing I can do. NOTHING. My mind can imagine numerous possibilities just as it did/does with my mom and her situation, but today, right this second, I am powerless. When dad is in surgery, again, I will be powerless.

Yes I can pray. I can send powerful thoughts of love and positivity out into the universe, but ultimately, the outcome is not up to me. I am scared.

I have spent the last year or more trying to function from day to day. I am just now beginning to become myself again. Not my old self, but a new and improved self. Then tragedy struck (mom had a heart attack). The world, my world, still moved forward. Now dad is about to have surgery and the world will continue on.

I think the weird part, is that I know everything still goes on, nothing stops, but my center of attention seems to be focused into some sort of tunnel. My mind is having a hard time not fixating on what could happen. I have to step back from my own thoughts long enough to remind myself that anything COULD happen any second of any day. Tomorrow is no different than any single instant from any other day.

If I spend my life always thinking about what could happen, I feel certain that before long, I would be incapacitated by fear. I feel it creep up on me from time to time and I quickly stuff it back wherever that stuff goes.

I want to enjoy having a life and spending it with people I love and care about for as long as I can do that. I don’t want to waste it in fear.

Today I am in fear….

My dad said today that there are no worries. He will wake up. He will either see a nurse or Whip (his deceased dog).


That may seem morbid, but it is the truth and if you knew my dad and heard him tell it you would even think it's funny.

*here is where I should insert a prayer. It is here inside of me and God knows what it is better than I can express it.*

Please feel free to throw a prayer his way or just a “thy will be done.” If not, that is okay too, I just want all the good juju I can get surrounding my pappy!!