Guess where and what...............

At Overton Park...that just does not look comfortable.

Disclaimer: This long winded tirade of sorts was set in motion some time ago, albeit quite accurate to date.

Before I post Miss Hawk’s second comment to my last post I wanted to sit and think for bit. I read her comments yesterday and thought a lot about them. What she said was true and accurate in many cases, yet something didn’t sit right. Not with her or what she said, but with my reaction.

I am angry and hurt and have been for some time now. Hurt is usually my default feeling of late. The anger, while prevalent in my marriage, has all but dissipated. Or had. Much of the anger and resentment I held onto in my marriage has just disappeared. I see that relationship with different eyes. I already feel a tremendous loss from no longer being married to Cliff but the anger is just not something that grips me anymore.

My anger or frustration now, stem from hurts inflicted by people I know now. These feelings are mine. They are not accusations against any one person. They are merely my emotions. I can be angry, I can be upset, I can feel misunderstood and then I can come back around and feel even angrier that I am not understood. Does that make sense? Stay with me…..

Right or wrong, I expect certain people thru out my life to know me in such a manner that they would automatically dismiss anything that wasn’t nice having to do with me. I mean, the second they got a thought or perceived a slight….then, just as fast… the thought disappears. Why? Because they know I am not the kind of person to purposefully do something like that to begin with. Or... they would smack me upside the head for being a dolt, and on we’d go.

Okay, NOW SETTLE DOWN. I DID say right OR wrong….in my mind, that seems like an easy thing to expect.

BUT I am wrong. Without a doubt, I think there will be people in my life that will be able to do just that. They know me, love me and just really know better. But then there are others who get hurt as well. I might not intend to offend, make angry, upset or in general just be an insensitive jerk, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be.

If I am running down the hall with scissors, and I trip and fall into you, tearing a big gash down your side, do my intentions have anything to do with you being hurt? NO! It will hurt like hell.

I am not infallible, and I HATE it when I have been the cause of some one else's discomfort by acting like a jerk, (intended or not).

I can recognize my part in something, apologize and be better for it.

Now I have to learn that you don’t have to apologize to me. You don’t even have to like me, and frankly... you can be an ass all you want. That’s on you!

At Overton Park

Scott Street?

Playing with settings on my phone.

Closer than you think............

Peppers from a greek salad at Memphis Pizza Cafe...had to many...

On the roof of the Peabody

From the roof of the Peabody

Bitter Often?

Really I am just disappointed, disillusioned if you will.

When is enough enough? When do you decide in your own head, that you have had enough? When do you take a look at your surroundings and tell yourself you’re an idiot for being there?

Not only that, no one brought you to this place. You brought yourself!

I sit down to write, and really can’t even do that. I can’t express what I really think or won’t...not here, because then my idiocy would be there for all to see (more so than usual if you can believe that).

Oh… now don’t get me wrong. I am forever embarrassing myself, making mistakes and in general, just really screw up sometimes. But this is more than that.

Just a few blogs ago I was talking about being confused and body language and all that mumbo jumbo….well okay it is still valid for me (I really don’t seem to get folks these days…male or female), but what I didn’t account for was me just being a complete dumb ass. I mean NO CLUE AT ALL.

Then…all of a sudden…..BAM! It hit me….confused? No…. more like delusional. What in the hell WAS I THINKING?

People don’t purposely hurt your feelings…no way, people don’t do that at this age.
Vindictive? Who?
People will see your good…they don’t listen to other people who don’t even know you to make decisions... that would be unfair.
People always sound like that….it’s not sarcastic or biting at all.
Hurt my feelings…of course not, I am too sensitive.
Apologize? Of course you don’t have to. I deserved it!

I am a complete idiot.

I assumed.

I believed.

How can I be disappointed by other people when I was the dingle who was naive to begin with?

The sad thing is... I will do it again.

Smells so good right there.

Memphis Art School

Off Peabody....

What do I want? In life, in my relationships, my work?

For starters, let me say that what I write here, is not necessarily indicative of what happened in the past or is happening in the present. Just because I say I want something, doesn’t mean I haven’t had it, or get it. Nor does it imply that I need it.

These are just thoughts and ideas. Ramblings if you will. They can be changed at any given notice.

I think I will begin with what I think I want in a relationship with a man. My musings have nothing to do with me and Cliff. Or they do, but only in the sense that I learned from our relationship. Nothing below is for or against what he and I shared. Just statements.

I want to be supportive even some times when I don’t feel like it.
I want to be happy for good things and not make myself sick over things that don’t matter.
I want to go to the grocery store together.
I want to laugh together and at myself.
I want to feel safe.
I wan’ t to feel secure in the knowledge he is where he says he is.
I want to go to sleep with no anger.
I want him to think I am funny.
I want him to think I am kind and therefore be treated as such.
I want him to want to defend me.
I want him to hear me.
I want us to agree to disagree.
I want him to think I am cute when I am sleepy.
I want to believe in him and make sure he knows it.

Did you expect me to say I want to feel loved? I want him to love me and cherish me and......

Well, I do want that, but there is so much inbetween. So many things that make up the whole.

There can never be a complete list. As I age and learn and grow as a person, so do my relationships. My wants and my needs are sometimes interchangeable, but honestly, I don't always know what those things are. Do you?

I think my next musings should be on friendships but frankly, the above list suits for that as well. Certainly I don't need my friends to go to the grocery with me (although that could be fun) or be where they say they are, but you get the picture.

So much stuff going on this one head. Luckily, so far, all the voices appear to be mine!

Fed Ex Forum

I was just driving around and took this pic along with the one on Beale below. I really like buildings and architecture.

Baptist Church on Beale

Freckle helping me with my paperwork

I cheated and put a bunch on one day.

What in the hell is so damn wrong with wanting someone to love you? I am not talking about friends, immediate family or your cousin Earl.

I am talking about a man and a women who love each other unconditionally. No cheating, no crazy obsessions, no psychotic folks who keep another one locked up in a basement or somewhere equally unsanitary.

I just mean plain old fashioned, I like you, you like me, I will take care of you and you will take care of me. The end.

I will admit… these days, I read my share of Vampire, Werewolf, Demon, Angel, Shadow People type, fantasy stuff. I like them. And I mean I LIKE THEM!

I know that stuff doesn’t happen in the real world. First, there aren’t any hot 6’7” Demon warriors running around trying to save mankind while at the same time claiming me as his life mate.

No such thing as a hot vampire – check
No highly advanced warriors with superhuman strength taking down the bad guys – check
No shape shifters searching for their one true mate – check

The list goes on, and for the life of me I can’t put the dang things down. I find it perfectly normal to want someone to be a hero to me. Someone who would care for me and love me to the exclusion of all others.

I did not say they had to change every fool moon…that would be crazy…just someone who gets me. Someone who thinks I am pretty awesome.

Yeah yeah yeah, there is all that get to know you stuff, like the fact that I snore, hate taking out the garbage and really don’t’ cook. I know there is an actual reality. But in my pretend world… at least for just a minute… I want to pretend that there is a person out there who wants to own me (in a good, read your fantasy kind of books way).

For those of you who have read them, I feel certain you have pictured yourself in one of the scenarios a time or two.

Am I embarrassed? No. Should I be? Probably.

I am confused… I think.

Sometimes, I think I know what is going on, and other days, I am just really clueless. I am not unintelligent.
Perhaps, on the slow side at times, but mostly because I just assume what people are stating is what they mean.

More and more I find that not to be the case at all. Sometimes I feel certain I know exactly what is being thought, said or intimated and then in the next instance, my brain tells me I am making it up and what I thought I knew is really not true.

There are hidden meanings, body language and various nuances I seem to miss that would aid me in my lack of understanding; provided I knew what they heck there were to begin with.

It is harder with some than others.

I would definitely say I think I am a people person, and as such, I think that I pick up on vibes or feelings much quicker than most, than immediately am able to asses a situation and then alter my behavior appropriately.

Then there is you. I don’t understand you. You don’t say what I think you are going to say. You don’t respond in the way I think you will. You don’t make sense to me and that confuses me.

I try to understand. I try to explain and still I have no clue. It is disconcerting. I try to pay attention. I watch, I listen, I answer and sometimes I don’t say a word. I do this to try and glean just a bit of something that will help me understand people. Understand you.

Why would you do this? Why would you say that? Who is it you think I am? Does it matter?

What I learned from a second grader....

As I was walking down the lane, it began to rain!
I opened my umbrella quick, to keep from getting sick.
As I was walking down the lane the RAIN…it suddenly stopped.
So I closed my umbrella and down the lane I hopped!!

I was all of seven when I wrote that, so we are looking at 31ish years ago. I actually still have the piece of paper with pictures of raindrops and the umbrella I drew. I have several more.

Another one starts out "Katrina Katrina with light blue eyes, pretty red lips and a green bow tie." I was talking about a stuffed doll one of my Aunts had.

It is funny what you can remember when you just let your mind wander.

I find I like some of these memories the best. They are simple, and in my mind, are unattached to times when I have felt, sadness, or anger or guilt...the list goes on.

Memories good and bad can trigger feelings of remorse, regret, loss...

Take a good memory for instance. I can remember going to the fair with my dad when I was little. It was the most magical night of all nights. I got whatever I wanted, I got to stay up way past my bed time, the lights and sounds were amazing. I treasure that memory, but sometimes when thinking back, other memories “attach” themselves to that good one.

Like the fact that not long after that delightful trip, my mom and dad separated, or that I had to go live with my grandparents and missed my daddy.

Now, keep in mind, all of these things turned out for the better. But when you’re three (no more than five) these things are devastating to you.

As an adult, my mind can separate each encounter and examine and look at it as an individual encounter. But in my inner child’s mind, they are all the same. There is no separation and the happy and sad I feel, come all at once.

Now at almost 38, my mind wanders a lot (who am I kidding, it always has). Through divorce and life changes, I now let it roll through and try to find memories where I am strong, independent, happy, self assured. I was those things. I haven’t changed, just stepped out back for a sec.

Anyway, anything can hurt. The past if you dwell in it. The present if you don’t notice it. The future if you didn’t learn anything from the first two.

I am not sure where I fit in right now. I think I lean widely toward the past. Luckily for me, the past is saying it doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and keeps trying to push me into the present!!

Anyone have directions? I don’t think Google Maps on my new phone is set up for this!!

At the airport

Shoulda coulda woulda...blah blah blah

Is it time?
Can I say it?
Should I?
Do I really want to?
Oh yes I want to!
Am I really going to?
Probably not.
To bad.
I really do want to tell you what I think.
Hell ya I do.
You deserve it.
Yes you do,
If you can, so can I.
You are grown.
So am I.
I have feelings.
You can’t tell me what to do.
Who do you think you are?
Be that way.
No really.
I don’t care.
Yes I do but I won’t tell you.
You suck.
Do you even know?
No because I didn’t tell you.
Why should I?
I was nice.
You were not.
I want to be mean now.
I can't.
You deserve it.
I shouldn't.
It will be the same.
I won't.
Happy?