Would you like some cheese with that Whine?

So…. my anxieties have been off the charts lately.

I would have said it couldn’t be panic attacks because I thought with those, you feel death is imminent. I merely feel a good maiming coming on! Come to find out that is only one symptom. There is some list the docs use and you only have to have four of them. I have seven.

Ya know I had these a couple of years ago. They didn’t call them panic attacks then. It was just anxiety disorder of some kind. Now I have “attacks”.

Sounds weird when I say it out loud. I mean I don’t think I am weird for having them. I can’t help it. But, writing or talking it about makes it seem somehow taboo. Like you don’t talk about your crazy aunt Lula who “went away” because no one outside the family is supposed to know she exists.

What is for sure weird is that I feel weird about talking about it. I am not shy and generally don’t get embarrassed even at time I really should. I am missing one of those “filters” I guess you call it. That,  or I have just learned over the years to laugh at myself.

Anyway, there is stuff I can do myself to help it. Exercise, eating right, no beer, no caffeine (or little, I think caffeine is in everything now). I just need to do regular everyday normal stuff that would simplify and make my whole life better overall. Not  just with the anxieties. And I don’t do them because?

Lazy, comes to mind. And unwillingness to cook, might be another. A complete and utter lack of willpower on the everlasting journey to exercise heaven? Yeah…maybe there are a bunch of things.

OKAY…FINE….THERE ARE A BUNCH OF THINGS. SHEESH. At least I am admitting it.

DANG…throw some stones while you’re at it! Remember to duck!

Actually my inability to follow through with my health is all on me and I know it. I just wanted to act indignant for a second!

Repeat

There are so many times I start to write something and then stop. I am always rambling about something (in my everyday life) and the majority of the time I sound like a doofus.

 I stutter on occasion. I am not a stutterer per say, but on occasion my mind and mouth aren’t on the same timing (almost like an old Japanese film dubbed in English). Then we have the fact that sometimes my mouth opens and spits stuff out before my mind really had time to think it through. I guess that would also be a case of timing.

At times, I think I am witty and smart, and then at others I feel completely lost, out of my element and annoyingly insecure. Mostly, I just don’t know what I think.

So, when I finally sit down to write something and get it out or express myself, the above issues take over. You may not think a person can stutter when they type, but believe you me, I edit these things a jillion times. If I didn’t, you would know exactly what I mean.

And as I have said in other ramblings on this blog, a lot of what I want to say…I won’t. If this was completely anonymous and no one could ever find out it was me, then well…I MIGHT. But even then things somehow seem to come around and bite folks in the boodonkydonk.

Keep in mind that it isn’t as though I have some dark and twisted secret I need to tell about myself or any of you. But there are things you would know. A situation that involved you, or work, or gosh knows what.

I am not all that private with my every day, poppin’ off at the mouth self.  But sure has sheeting (not the word I am actually thinking)  I write it here, and all manner of things start breaking loose. It’s not what I would say really, just my luck.

You know how many times people say (myself included) don’t tell anyone? Okay!

I won’t tell you he said she was….or that my dad……or that I……or that she said…..or that I think………..