It is the damndest thing...

Grief, and loss and sorrow touch people in different ways and for me when it has come to death in the past, and even with my dad now, I have felt  “outside” of it. He is in a better place. Gram and Gramps are in a better place. I can talk to them all anytime I want.

I know all this, but today, for some reason, my dad’s lack of physical presence in this world is making my heart truly feel leaden and has my throat constricting almost to the point of panic.

I know I said I am okay. I AM okay…but today…for some reason….the sorrow I feel is almost palpable. I mean I feel consumed by it. Almost enraged. I feel trapped. I feel like I am being held down and refused freedom, all because I can’t pick up the phone and hear my dad’s voice. It’s suffocating, almost debilitating and it's useless.

Dad would sooooo not want that, but damn if I can seem to help it. I mean really….holy crap…it is a physical pain.

A blow to my midsection,  a scraping of my heart in my chest. A breath hard earned. Dramatic much?

I swear I never expected this…..

I know it gets better, not whining or asking for condolences or even any acknowledgement. I am just trying to verbalize what my sadness feels like today so maybe I can get the hell over it....

Gosh I wish I could change things for a time.

Cliff and I are no longer married,

My dad just passed away,

And now Neo, the cat Cliff got me for our first Anniversary, has cancer.

Crazy as it sounds, we had three cats together and they were our babies. Both of us are animal people. He took Neo with him when he moved to Florida in June of 09. I miss him and I miss Neo.

Cliff just found out Neo has cancer and I hate…HATE the fact that Cliff is about to lose him.

Yeah, I just lost my dad and I am sure people wonder how I can care about a cat and my ex, but I do.

I have two cats left. Freckle and Raisin Squirrel. I offered for Cliff to have Raisin and his dad is coming next week to pick him up. It feels like abandoning a child in some way. In my head I know he is a cat. Again, crazy or not, it hurts.

Raisin isn’t Neo, but at least Cliff will be able to care for and love Raisin and maybe his hurt will be lessened to some degree. I hope so.

I reckon it is time I write some more. Not sure what about it. This may just be a rambling hodgepodge of nonsense. I sometimes do that.

Lately, I have been trying to “be okay.” Actually, I am not really trying. I AM OK. I think folks are waiting for me to crack and go back in to my previous depression. I am not really sure what they think. Anytime someone dies, it always feels like there is a lot of love and caring and a lot of awkwardness. What do you say? How should I act? Do I acknowledge it?

Dunno…I think it is different every time with every person. For me…today…I am OK. I miss my dad like crazy. He and I were super close, I talked to him damn near everyday and everything funny, irreverent, or downright silly  I do, I can promise you I learned from him.

He gave me my sense of direction.

He taught me how to change the breaks on a car or pull out a radiator on an old 70 something Triumph  (although looking back… I think I was really just free labor)!

He drove me up to Jackson TN and taught me the words to the Casey Jones Ballad so we could sing for our desert (he also held me up when my knees wanted to give way from being nervous). He said we are never gonna see these people again so why not do it and have fun?

He sang old songs to me…all the time. Not just when I was a kid.

He told me funny jokes and jokes he thought were funny.

He called me Princess since I was small. Before all the princess stuff started selling in all the stores.

He took me to see the Snork’s on Ice.

He listened to me cry.

He hugged me every time I saw him.

He fixed my pilot light when his thumb was hurt and needed me to help, but I was too chicken and hid around the corner in case it blew up!

He danced with me.

My dad chose me.

He did or said or taught me so many things there will never be a day that I will be without him. How cool is that?

I'll write more soon.

November 3, 2010 3pm RIP Daddy I love you!

I think I have decided I like being married. Oh,  I KNOW,  I am far from that now, but I like the whole “being married” thing in general.

I actually, want to take care of someone.

Cliff and I didn’t work out. I get it. I am not over it, but I get it.

So now, here I am by myself, realizing how much I don’t want to be a “by myself”. There is more to it than just being lonely. It isn’t just me saying “woe is me…I’m so lonely…I need a man.”

NO. I DON’T NEED a man. But I sure want one. You would think it is because I want someone to be sweet to me and take care of me and care about me, etc, etc and I am not saying I don’t. But that isn’t all. I look back on my relationship with Cliff and how things could have been different and frankly, I was so dead set on it being about me, or rather many times I made it about what I wanted, what I needed , what I was or wasn’t getting…I never really gave up the “me” part.

Yes,  if you hear me tell it I did EVERYTHING. I tried EVERYTHING. But here is the thing….I can’t help but think now, that had I given in some in the beginning, we might still be together. I said MIGHT not WOULD. We still had problems and my current thought process or line of reasoning is just me trying to learn a little more about myself.

I am NOT saying I need to give up anything and everything I am to please a man, or even that I have to give up any part of who I am in order to make it work. What I am saying, is that in a relationship, or in this case a marriage, I needed to give up the idea of me, me, me. I needed to become a WE. I don’t think I really ever quite did that. There was a piece of me that just would not let go.

Before anybody gets all twitter pated and starts saying “but you said…. and he did….but what about….” YES,  I know all that. I am not talking about him.  I am talking about me, and something I know, I didn’t do. It is one piece. One portion of an entire marriage. But I am thinking it is a big part or piece.

Cliff deserved better. I deserved better. I want to be better next time.

I am still trying to figure it out….