Didn't feel like continuing my trip to Bohemian Paradise just yet.....have other junk on my mind.

How do you know if what you are feeling is guilt? Anxiety? Or just plain regret?

Guilt is basically self-reproach for a supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing. Anxiety is a state of uneasiness and apprehension. Regret is to feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about something. Or to remember something with a feeling of loss or sorrow.

They sound seemingly alike to me. I think more often than not, I am feeling them all simultaneously, making it difficult to discern the difference.

When I wake up in the middle of the night, I am often anxious as all get out.

I am short of breath, there are knots in my stomach, I get physically warm and toss and turn on the bed. My mind then starts to run through a series of events to determine why I am feeling this way. For example I may remember behaving badly with Cliff when were married. I feel guilty about my behavior, embarrassed even. I then immediately feel sorrow that I hurt him and regret that I can’t change the past. So back to feeling apprehensive.

I may have made a comment that, at the time, I thought was innocuous. BUT after some thought, realize that while I may have thought that, perhaps the person on the receiving end did not. It is too late to call them and I am at once worried that I may have been ugly to someone (albeit by accident).  The cycle starts again.

There have even been times when I just couldn’t figure out any of the feelings…I just had them.

AND YES, I know all about the medications they have for this!! J Unless it is medication that puts you in a coma, I think using some sort of thought process is an appropriate way to help begin progress

Anyway, if I have done something wrong…I have NO trouble making amends. Sometimes, what I have perceived to be a wrong, was in my own head. I guess my real reason for asking, is to find out how to make amends with oneself and not let guilt, anxiety or regret overpower me. They are unproductive, sleep depriving, and unfortunately for me… NOT weight reducing. 

Is it a mantra that does it? Do I just tell myself over and over that the past is the past and there is nothing I can do about it now and eventually it will stop?

Can I use these feelings and turn thm into some sort of catalyst for change? I am pretty sure I can. I jus need an attitude adjustment.

Yeah I think attitude has a lot to do with things. I need to get a positive one. To bad you can't just pick them up at the gorcery!!

Bohemian Rhapsody

As I walked up to the “cruise ship” I couldn’t help but think to myself that it looked a lot like a battleship painted to look festive. Or a ginormous ferry boat that had a bar. I can’t be certain about either, but I do know for certain I was skeert!

My idea of a cruise ship was more along the lines of the Love Boat back on TV in the day. Hell, I’ll even say the boat in the movie Titanic. I know it sank but it looked pretty posh!

There were no deck chairs lined up along the sides of the many decks, or shuffleboard, or continuous buffets, or drinks with fancy straws. You got one deck that had a layer or two in the back with deck chairs, drinks that came in tiny plastic cups and a breakfast buffet….yes it was called a BUFFET…that was little more than a continental breakfast at Motel 6.

Not complaining…stating fact….I am still in good spirits though!

Okay, part of me wanted to go home, but I stuck it out!! Of course being miles away from home and all you can see in any direction is water and more water, my choices were limited….but I did remain on the boat.

The boat, ferry, ship, death contraption did get us (me and my friend Debra Jo) to our destination in the Bahamas. The trip there was very windy, very rocky and by far to non-alcoholic.

Once there, we debark, get our bags and prepare for the fun to begin.

I am getting super excited at this point and then our “bus” arrives to take us to our hotel. It was more like a small travel van that, and, if crammed to capacity, will hold 8-12 people, but they called it a bus so I called it a bus. Once we are situated AND fully crammed on the “bus”,  off we go.

Now, have you ever  seen a movie or television show with people in some far off country where transportation is limited, the roads are dirt, and a variety of folks are taking a bus to the next town? They are depicted as having 37 people aboard, a crying baby, one American, someone holding a chicken and a goat in middle of the isle? Maybe even someone selling some sort of cooked potato dish or curried snake gut?

I was that one American!! Okay that is not quite the truth…I may have embellished. There were only twelve people, no goat, no chicken, no baby and there were several American’s…. okay, so my imagination, when replayed, thought it remembered that… okay so it felt kinda like that…okay FINE, it could have been like that…well…it could.

Anyway, on to the hotel….